Go Back   LPGA Golf Forum > Other Discussions > Anything

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 04-26-2010, 04:17 PM   #1
Senior Member
 
dangerbob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 6,528
Two more Danger jokes!

A HAPPY WOMAN

A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you
think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55-year old ass?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.






Typing the wrong E-mail address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!!


__________________
"On this hapless EARTH
There's small SINCERITY of mirth
And LAUGHTER oft is but an ART
To drown the outcry of the HEART!"


Let's eat Grandpa.
Let's eat, Grandpa.

Commas save lives!
dangerbob is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-26-2010, 04:31 PM   #2
Moderator
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Warren, Ohio
Posts: 8,807
Good ones, DB. I absolutely refuse to tell my wife the first one, though.
__________________
Happiness isn't getting what you want, it's wanting what you have.
MarinePaul is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-26-2010, 05:07 PM   #3
Senior Member
 
dangerbob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 6,528
The Marine's Luck in Las Vegas

While in Vegas, the Marine had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, The Marine went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime."

The Marine said, "You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the door open!"

__________________
"On this hapless EARTH
There's small SINCERITY of mirth
And LAUGHTER oft is but an ART
To drown the outcry of the HEART!"


Let's eat Grandpa.
Let's eat, Grandpa.

Commas save lives!
dangerbob is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2010, 01:33 PM   #4
Senior Member
 
dangerbob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 6,528
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all
this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff...Dad...I became a prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a
disgrace to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad...as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings
certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy,
the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside
plus a membership to the country club...(takes a breath)...and an invitation
for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff...a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"

__________________
"On this hapless EARTH
There's small SINCERITY of mirth
And LAUGHTER oft is but an ART
To drown the outcry of the HEART!"


Let's eat Grandpa.
Let's eat, Grandpa.

Commas save lives!
dangerbob is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2010, 01:40 PM   #5
Senior Member
 
dangerbob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 6,528
Something To Think About!

Imagine that you had won the following prize in a contest:
Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400.00 in your private account for your use. However, this prize had rules, just as any game has certain rules.
The first set of rules would be:
Everything that you didnt spend during each day would be taken away from you.
You may not simply transfer money into some other account.
You may only spend it.
Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400.00 for that day.
The second set of rules:
The bank can end the game without warning; at any time it can say, Its over, the game is over! It can close the account and you will not receive a new one.
What would you personally do?
You would buy anything and everything you wanted, right?
Not only for yourself, but for all people you love, right?
Even for people you dont know, because you couldnt possibly spend it all on yourself, right?
You would try to spend every cent, and use it all, right?
ACTUALLY, this GAME is REALITY!
Each of us is in possession of such a magical bank.We just cant seem to see it.
The MAGICAL BANK is TIME!
Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of life, and when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is NOT credited to us.
What we havent lived up that day is forever lost.
Yesterday is forever gone.
Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time....WITHOUT WARNING.
SO, what will YOU do with your 86,400 seconds?
Arent they worth so much more than the same amount in dollars?
Think about that, and always think of this:
Enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker than you think.
So take care of yourself, and enjoy life!
Heres wishing you a wonderfully beautiful day!!!


__________________
"On this hapless EARTH
There's small SINCERITY of mirth
And LAUGHTER oft is but an ART
To drown the outcry of the HEART!"


Let's eat Grandpa.
Let's eat, Grandpa.

Commas save lives!
dangerbob is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 04-27-2010, 02:12 PM   #6
NTB
Senior Member
 
NTB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: hot springs village arkansas
Posts: 2,534
I definitely try to live life that way.
Didn't think of it that way,neat.
__________________
God Bless America
\"Those people who will not be governed by God will be ruled by tyrants.\" - William Penn
NTB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-29-2010, 07:16 AM   #7
Junior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 2
Intresting post,thanks.

Here share a few pics that i read the other day.Cheers








lpls is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On




All times are GMT -5. The time now is 07:13 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.0
Copyright ©2000 - 2009, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.3.2 PL2

Valid XHTML 1.0 Transitional Valid CSS!