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Old 08-30-2011, 08:15 PM   #1
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Golf Jokes

I told a friend that today I waded across a raging river, escaped from a bear in the woods, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy and crawled out of quicksand.

He said I must be a great outdoorsman. I told him, "No, just a crappy golfer."
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Old 08-30-2011, 11:51 PM   #2
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HAHAHAHAHA....love it Marine! Think most of us have been there - except for maybe the bear part (depending on where you live - insert your own animal!)
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Old 08-31-2011, 12:41 AM   #3
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Haha, Changing this thread to golf jokes.

A golfer called one of the caddies and asked, "I need a caddy who can count and keep the score.What's 3 and 4 and 5 come to?"
"10" said the caddy.
"Great, you'll do perfectly!"

A guy is standing in front of his locker at the country club admiring a golf ball he has in his hand.
One of his golfing mates remarks: "What'd you do, get some new golf balls?"
"Would you believe that this is the greatest golf ball ever made? You can't lose it. You hit it into the rough, it whistles. You hit it into the woods and a bell inside goes off. If you drive it into a lake, a big burst of steam shoots up six feet in the air for two minutes."
"That's great. Where did you get it?"
He replied, "I found it."
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Old 09-01-2011, 06:31 PM   #4
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A father, son, and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf.
Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.
Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, “Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don’t try to coach me on how to play my shots.”

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father’s mouth was agape. “That was beautiful,”he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, “I really didn’t get into it and I faded it a little.”

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a nine iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, “Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.”

The blonde frowned and said, “It was a little weak. I left a tricky little putt.” Then she tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hell but of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, “I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I’d really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I’ll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year-old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night.”

The yuppie grandson jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, “Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.”

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. “Don’t listen to the kid, darlin’, you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.”

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde’s ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said,

“That’s a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?”

AGE AND EXPERIENCE WILL TRIUMPH OVER YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME
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Old 09-01-2011, 06:32 PM   #5
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Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So. he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.
Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
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Old 09-01-2011, 06:40 PM   #6
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Love the age and experience joke. Since I'm the oldest one in the group I have going to Myrtle Beach, I'll keep this one in mind.
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